Loneliness

It's been awhile since I've been on here, but I've been particularly inspired tonight... I've literally spent the last 4 hours listening to sermons and videos on youtube. As I'm typing this I'm listening to Joyce Meyer speak about Overcoming Grief and Loneliness. 

This has really hit home with me. I'm lonely. So, so lonely.

I miss my mom. I miss my friends. I miss the close knit community of KCU. I miss my life group. I miss my church. I miss my family. I miss me.

Joyce Meyer pointed out a couple of things about loneliness.

One of the reasons people are lonely is because they don't like themselves. I spend more time with me than I do with anyone else. If I feel lonely when it's just me, it's likely that I'm not happy with myself. 

Another reason people are lonely it is because they are misunderstood.

These two reasons lie at the heart of my loneliness. In all of the pain of losing my mom, I lost myself. I lost the girl who loved God with a passion. I lost the girl who was great at her job and worked hard. I lost the girl who actually enjoyed classes and studying because she knew they were so important to her future. I became lazy, mediocre, and lived to distract myself from the pain that was in my heart.

After my mom died, I found myself thrust into a world of people who didn't know who I was. Even in my own family, I saw that nobody understood my heart the way my mom did. They didn't know that beneath the carefree actions and attitudes, I was desperate inside. Comments were made and repeated to me that cut me to the core. 

All of this culminated for me over Thanksgiving weekend. I found myself at my boyfriends house sitting in the floor crying. His dad had walked in the room where we were playing a game and began to question him about  what was going on we we left the house earlier to take his brother home. He thought we were mad (we weren't) and wouldn't listen to the bf when he said that we weren't. So I spoke up. I said 2 sentences, explaining that his brother didn't tell us he had to be home until 10 minutes before he had to be there. Everything broke lose, with his dad yelling that he wouldn't argue with two people. (We weren't) That he didn't need everybody else in his business (He walked into the room and started the conversation) After they left the room the conversation continued, as I sat in the room so completely confused and heartbroken.

I had NEVER been treated like that by anyone in my life before. Never talked down to. Never treated as if I didn't matter, as if  I couldn't speak up. And I couldn't handle it. He apologized later. Said he loved me. And I'm sure, he does. But he doesn't know me. He doesn't care to know me. He doesn't love me like my mom, who understood that I am even tempered, and if anyone can keep in a discussion, it's me. He doesn't respect me the way my sister's ex-husband does because unlike the rest of my family I never said things out of anger or spite. He doesn't know that I'm soft hearted, to a fault. That I can't stand to see him talk to the person I love more than anything like that. That I hate to be yelled at. I have a 20+ year track record behind me showing that I'm capable, caring, sweet, selfless, and respectable. I know how to fix a 2 year old's boo boo, and take care of a dying woman by myself. I know how to make a new life for myself. I ran my house for years while my mom was sick. When I want to, I can write like nobody's business. Teaching is the most natural thing in the world for me. I have huge dreams. I know how to plan, how to motivate people. I know how to be part of a church and help it grow. I can give a speech, and make a quilt. 

I just can't play basketball or piano. I have a critical eye when I'm watching someone else do things I'm passionate about. It's because I believe in excellence. I believe in improving until it's as good as it can be. I believe in clear objectives, and evaluating what you've done so far and are doing. I don't just accept a life of video games and tv, because I believe there is more out there. I believe God created me to awaken people to life as it really is. I see things differently than most people.

Good enough isn't good enough for me.

My mom knew that, understood my heart and my intentions. She knew how much love I needed. She understood how relational I am, and that I need people. She knew I needed to be told I was beautiful. She knew I was harder on myself than anyone else ever could be.

I'm struggling to like his dad. It's hard for me to get over being treated like that. It happened once over the summer and I struggled with disliking him since then. It's been a huge issue. That weekend I was literally thinking I was ready to let it go earlier in the day, and then I was reminded how deeply it hurt. So i'm struggling. and I can't say it to anyone bc they don't understand.

I'm lonely because I'm not that girl I used to be, and I don't know how to find her again when no one else around me is even aware that she exists.